The Lists: A Monologue
I'm not as good as her. How can she do her makeup like that? How can one person have so many friends? Why am I not one of their friends? I'm not good enough. I'm not pretty enough, funny enough, photogenic... the list in my head goes on and on.
I open social media and ideas pop up that have never popped up before. Maybe I should 'dm' someone I like and see what happens. I'll just add all these people and maybe they'll add me back and I'll post a lot, yeah, I'll post all of my really good pictures. I'll post like I'm doing something really fun... the list in my head goes on and on.
I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I want to stay in bed. I don't want to talk to my friends. I feel lonely, angry...the list in my head goes on and on.
But one day, instead of a comma in my head, there was a period. Someone reached in and stopped my hand from drawing a comma and made me mark a dot instead.
The list in my head doesn't go on and on. The list in my head was no longer written in pen, but in pencil. I began erasing the list until one day, the list was no longer there.
I started making a new list. But before my hand would write, it needed to find the intervention.
The intervention. My mind wandered...hmm...God, is it You? How could it be You? I hated You. I turned from You. I wanted anything but You. Is it really...You?
Yes. I can feel You again. I can almost feel Your touch. Oh, thank You, thank You, thank You.
I am a Child of God. I am Christ's ambassador. I am completely forgiven. I am tenderly loved by God. I am Christ's friend. I am a child of the light. I am a citizen of heaven.
The list in my heart goes on and on.