My dreams come in sunny images.
Pastel flowers and white tulle. Denim jackets, tin coffee cups, cloudy breaths in pine tree places. Pink and blue crocheted blankets and a swaying mobile. Open windows, clean table tops, jars of paintbrushes. Worn duffel bags, stamped passports.
And this week, all of that seemed very far away. To sum things up, (I'm ashamed to say I've put a lot of thought into the list of terribles that occurred this week) my car's engine overheated and started smoking, I went phoneless for 48 hours, got sick, consequently missed a day of work, and had an emotionally rough patch with some family stuff.
But hey, one of my midterm exams was a surprise open-book.
Really, though, I was struggling. I just wanted to quit everything, stay home and hide.
Today I watched one of my dearest mentors/best friend receive one of her biggest dreams. And as it was unfolding I was overjoyed. I was in awe.
But I was also a little jealous. Not the kind of jealous that is mean and green and ugly. This was the kind that longs and grieves and asks why.
I felt this arise inside of me and knew that it wasn't new. This anxiety for the future has always been there, always questioning my choices and pressing me to overthink my every action. Is this right for me? What if I choose wrong? What if this changes the whole course of my life? What if I miss out on my only opportunity? What if this isn't the right major? Am I going to the right school? Should I try to be friends with her? Should I let myself like him? And the questions go on, ever dominating my mind and blockading my joy.
How did she get there and what do I do to get there? was the prominent thought today. And as I've dwelt on it all day, and not for the first time, I realized something.
I get to go to my dream school. And at that school, every day, I get to see my best friends -> my I-would-die-for-you-I-ugly-cry-with-you-brother-sister-friends. I witness amazing Christian leadership. I start class in communal prayer.
If I had been told a year ago that I'd be going to this school, I would've asked how? And now, honestly, I still ask that question.
Perhaps before asking how all those impossible dreams are going to happen, I should ask how on earth I am where I am today. Then I would see that the dreams I dared to dream not so long ago are very present, and not so very impossible.
God is faithful. And it is so beautiful how He sometimes chooses to work in the gradual, unnoticeable everyday things in order to reveal the spectacular.